In honor of September being “Pleasure Your Mate” month (and my inaugural article), I’d like to debate cunnilingus. I’ve been pondering for some time about what expectations exist for pleasuring your mate or companion or nevertheless else you describe who you’re having intercourse with. I name it the paradox of reciprocal head.
It’s one I’ve heard loads of instances earlier than: “I gained’t give head. However, clearly, I anticipate a man to go down on me.” Loads of ladies I do know, myself included, don’t actually need to give oral intercourse. After all, societally, the other downside is true: A 2016 survey of 900 faculty college students discovered that 60 p.c of ladies give oral intercourse and 52 p.c of males give oral intercourse. Whereas we will speak all day in regards to the pleasure and orgasm hole between (heterosexual) women and men, I need to deal with a reverse phenomenon. For no matter cause a lady doesn’t need to give a blowjob, is it an applicable subversion of the patriarchy to take however not give?
I need to begin this with a baseline of consent: No person ought to need to do something they don’t need to do with out affirmation and enthusiasm. Nor ought to anybody really feel guilted into giving head simply because they acquired it; there isn’t a sexual scorecard. I’m speaking right here about an energetic perception {that a} man ought to go down on you, whether or not you propose to return the favor or not.
Reciprocity is a simple rule, however an unfair one. The facility dynamics at play in heterosexual intercourse additionally make oral intercourse extra sophisticated; giving head places one in a probably uncomfortable submissive place and should solely carry bodily pleasure to at least one get together concerned. The infamous “head pusher” designation that exists for straight males reveals simply how usually ladies really feel pressured to offer head. The stereotype that vaginas are smelly or fishy additionally demonstrates the stigma surrounding feminine cunnilingus, one which many ladies have even negatively internalized.
Are you able to be a feminist and nonetheless give blowjobs? I’m kidding, largely.
In a single current examine, researchers analyzed ladies’s reviews of their current sexual experiences in relation to their feminist id and located a major distinction between the 2. Feminist ladies usually tend to report receiving oral intercourse than non-feminist ladies. There was no proof, nevertheless, that feminists gave oral intercourse lower than non-feminists. One other examine examined related tendencies with regard to males. Males who determine as feminists (a minority, by the best way), are considerably extra prone to each give and obtain oral intercourse.
So, based mostly on these stats, why do I really feel like I do know so many ladies who refuse to offer males head? My associates who fall into this class are definitely feminists, although I can not communicate with any certainty in regards to the males whose dicks they aren’t sucking. Maybe I stay in a bubble, or Cornell has unknowingly accepted a disproportionate variety of ladies who hate giving oral intercourse.
Final 12 months, I connected with a man for the primary time. He went down on me after which requested if I might reciprocate, to which I responded, “Nah, I don’t like doing it.” His response — a hasty “oh okay, completely cool, completely respect that” — made me snicker. His shock, however full acceptance, made me really feel a bit highly effective. Typically, I choose my mouth to remain above the stomach button, although I do discover satisfaction within the occasional blow job. Absolutely realizing the convenience at which I may simply inform a man that I didn’t prefer it was a robust feeling — and possibly that’s why it appears many ladies really feel the identical.
Within the patriarchy, a way of energy, even individually, over a person, can really feel nice. Intercourse is a very laborious floor to navigate, and having intercourse in a method that feels empowering, communicative and completely pleasurable is tough. It’s laborious to seek out significant methods to subvert the patriarchy and maybe refusing to offer head is one little method we might attempt. Based mostly on the proof, it appears one of the best ways for all individuals to get probably the most pleasure is to make it possible for everybody concerned is a feminist. In spite of everything, a man’s acquired to be down with feminism if I’m going to go down on him.
Give head. Or don’t. Of all of the methods to make a feminist assertion, there are definitely simpler approaches. Although it could take some adjusting, I’m going to attempt to be extra aware about my oral intercourse motivations, particularly throughout this auspicious month. Work on pleasuring your mate within the bubble of your bed room, in no matter method appears proper (and there’s no scarcity of inspirations and improvements doable). Pleasure is private and understanding your personal physique, not to mention any individual else’s, isn’t a simple activity. This September, let’s all attempt one thing new, completely faraway from any outdoors affect or internalized inhibitions.
Whorat is a pupil at Cornell College. Her fortnightly column Cowgirl Chronicles is a dialogue and exploration of sexual norms and cultural quirks with a splash of feminist principle.
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